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ok so nanny is still at the hospital.

shes getting two more units of blood and another unit of platelets

making it all in all
thus far
5 units of blood
2 units of platelets
and 1 unit of plasma

no i understand blood and platelets but not necessarily the plasma part of it....something like it helps prevent brusing

dr whinn (thats not how you spell it but i dont care right now) ordered for her to have a CT scan to make sure she doesnt have any bleeding on or around her brain.

she took a fall the day she went into the hospital and they ordered her to not get out of bed at all for any reason without assistance

I talked to one of hte nurses today, ann, who was very concerned and said that she needs some more home assistance. that she is going to give my number to the case worker or some shit and that they will be in contact with me to discuss options taken at home

i have a feeling that this is going to be the biggest and hardest landslide that we're going to be faced with

the doctors in houston said that when she goes, shes going to go fast.
i just hope it isnt now
or that its at home

i cant help but be bombarded with the feeling that i had when GG died a few years ago and how i knew it beforehand and that she was only there as a precautionary measure
i have a really earie feeling about all this

and i dont like it one bit

but i had to pull myself away from the hospital so that i could catch a breather. 

i need to call md anderson and see if were still going to visit the houston office monday or not. im hoping not

i dont want to face that traffic and face the reality of what is

im losing her
i really am
and i love her more than anything in this world
i cant have her ripped away. i simply cant
 its 430 am...and i just wrote this really fucking long entry and my computer decided to be fucking retarded and refreshed itself and the whole thing just went away

it was all random shit anyways about marriage and kids and shit

but still. im fairly irritated

anyways i might as well try to get what little sleep in that i can.

im still wide ass awake too


i hate nights here alone without my grandma to take care of or to go talk to....shes a night owl like myself

i need a man around to keep myself entertained.

wow i just had some dirty thoughts race to mind.

what can i say....

 I hate this

more than anything

the second i feel like im finally going to be ok out here, and that maybe the day wont be as bad as the previous ones,  something happens and i fall apart again


the nights are the worst - during the day i can run from my thoughts, dive into a book, my cleaning, take care of nanny or go ride my horse....but at night, all i have are my thoughts.


and they scream at me for hours

in short, i have abandonment issues. I always have. when i was a little, whenever i couldnt find my parents in the grocery store, at a family party, at the park....anywhere....i was convinced that they had left without me. that they had devised this plot in their heads years ago and had been waiting for the perfect time to execute it.

i guess it could go back as far as my dad not ever being in the picture. maybe i subconciously thought that there was something wrong with me that made him not want to be part of my life, whatever it may be.

i use to be so terrified of being alone

& that is exactly why i take the loss of relationships - be they romantic or not - so hard

because im faced with my deepest fear of losing someone..of being alone. im my twenty one years of existance, i never learned how to deal with it. ever. i see it as something personally wrong with me as the reason why my presence is no longer desired in someones life anymore

and just when i thought i had it all figured out, jason went and brought out the terrified adolescent that i always will be. and he did the very thing i expecting him to do, but never thought he would....he just left. no "goodbye" no "i'll call you later" no warning....just an empty house


three years later....hes still been the only one person to make me feel entirely unloveable, unpretty and unwanted. i wasnt enough to make him want to stay...i wasnt enough to make him truely love me.

but all in all im ok with that. hes not what i wanted and less than what i deserved.


but four years later - i get a phone call from mrs janice saying that jasons been trying to get back in touch with me, ever since before he moved to bandera.


excuse me. Bandera. as in Bandera, texas....yes. thats what i heard. thats exactly what his mom told me.

suddenly my heart fell into the pit of my stomach. i fet queezy to the point that my head was spinning so fast that i nearly passed out. that big wave of abandonment hit me again. all those feelings washed over me again. i just realized how alone i ame out here in texas, and the one boy that has cracked my heart is less than an hour waway and i dont know what to do with that information.

ive lost a best friend because i wasnt accepted enough, i lost a friend because i wasnt elite enough, i lost a boyfriend because i wasnt slutty enough

im never enough


and everyone keeps on leaving

in one way or another. states divide us, interests divide us, personalities divide us, personal differences divide us, music, religion, political affiliation, morals, beliefs, skills, appearance, maturity....

....somehow, im always lacking


and somehow everyone keeps on leaving

my daddy whos finally in my life for the first time ever hasnt hardly spoken to me since ive moved to texas, and part of me wants to blame the fact that hes dating Tiffany but i know thats unfair to put the blame all on her.

brady is getting ready to go to iraq. in a little over a week my best friend will be gone, and theres a risk he may not come back. im not focusing on that but the thoughts haunt me at night. they keep me awake at night and then haunt my dreams when i do finally go to bed. i hate it. i hate that hes in the army i hate that he has to go to iraq for 15 months. i hate that i stopped hanging out with him because of mike. i hate that ive only seen him twice since hes been in the service. i wish he didnt have to leave. im so scared about whats to come.



and a part of me leaves with them


im fading

a few constants ive had in my life, i love more than anything else in this world, and they know who they are. they are the ones who have stood by me when ive been at my darkest and lowest....and i love them more than anything else in this world.


if they ever leave, i may disapear entirely



ok so i know that kevin and i arent dating or anything 
maybe call it a crush
i just dont like that word in its entiredy becasue of the fact that thats what generally happens
you get "crushed" by the person of choice...
but alas here i am...
....129 in the morning
restless as hell and wishing i had talked to him today
entirely jelouse of the fact that kelly got to hang out with him today...
and wondering if they hooked up this weekend
yes i know they recently broke up
and that things were going on with us when they were together
afterall the breakup is extremely recent
and im not retarded enough to sit here and think that they never did anything whilst being together
but i cant help but wonder
you know?
i definatly dont like the thought that kelly was the one that got to hang out with him...
got to sleep next to him...
give random kisses 
cuddle close
and just relax.
sometimes i wish i could of been that girl
and i might of been given a chance to
but i can pin it down to one big thing....because of mike
mike fucks everything up 
and i hate him for that
i hate me for dating him
i hate the fact that i had to move a fucking thosand miles away
and now i wont ever truely know "what might have been"
haha i sound so stupid
but i dont care
i do
i wish we could of given anything a chance
more of a chance then we were given thats for sure
kevin is a great guy
and i really miss him
but im wondering whats going on right now
if hes with her
its not even so much that i care, but moreso that i wish it was me
im jelouse
of the time shes gotten to spend with him
and how its not me
i dont even know her
she could be a really great gal
and aparently theres something about me, that she doesnt have
that sparked some sort of interest
theres a connection there
there are similarities
theres a really fantastic friendship at the very least
which im absolutly thrilled about
but id be lying if i said part of me doesnt want to be dating him
the other part of me is scared to say that id want something more
and id be scared to try a long distance relationship
they just seem too serious for my liking and they cause too many people too much pain
especially as something to start off a relationship with
we wouldnt be able to just go catch a movie whenever we wanted to
just drive to daytona and hang out, bask in the sun, watch the waves crash, feel the sand between our toes
god i miss the beach
i didnt go as much as i should have
actually i only went about three times
fuck that
i can say that was mike too
he never wanted to go when i did
and if i went without him i was cheating on him aparently
and since i dated him all my friends hated him
they all stopped talking to me
or did i stop talking to them?
i think it was a mixed lack of effort
but nonetheless
i hate the fact that i let some dumbass little boy ruin some really meaningful friendships
i shouldnt talk so down of him
he USE to be a good guy
a good friend
but never a good boyfriend
but im the dumbass for putting up with all his shit
really i am
why didnt i put my foot down and demand respect
why didnt i leave him
because i so desperately wanted to bring out the man that i know he could be
but he kept showing his ass throught it all
the good guy is somewhere inside him
but its so far lost that hes the only one that bring it to the surface
and i finally realized that
about two years too late
what the hell is my problem
i like the boys i cant have
for instance, there were
paul, who had a gf and lived two thousand miles away
jason, who lets face it was way more distant than any guy could ever be
lake who was always too good of a friend for us to pursue anything, even though he liked me too
maillis who was a dick
brian who had ty, but when they broke up i didnt want to date him, so he started dating natalie
kevin who was dating kelly. whos in florida
i have that track record
i love to like the impossible
that way i guess i just dont get hurt
one of these days im going to truely have my heart broken 
im going to get hurt
all of my carelessness about things is going to catch up to me
its going to slap me right across the face
i know its bound to happen
then theres the guys taht have said how head ove heals they are for me, and i just right it off
luke, who tells me how beautiful i am and how hed love to be given a chance
trey, who tried countless attempts to ask me out on dates and says how great i am
rady, who if you ask anyone has loved me since day one
michael, with whom i grew up with we took baths together and have picturs to prove it lol our families have always soworn that wed get married
dustin who joked and said hed marry me if he could, but wasnt always joking
chance who always tried to take me out
eric, whos parents even tried calling to convince me that i hsould date him bc hed never admit that he liked me
cory. what to say about cooy
but what do i do
i blow them all off
i think theyre full of shit
i hear their compliments and i convince myeslf they cant be talking about me
why do i think i dont deserve it
i definatly do
especially after all the assholes ive dated
time to raise that bar again
i had it set
and then mike came along
and i thought
hey why not
if i could of only predicted the future...
...thats why not
but you live. you learn. life goes on
after talking to some of the girls i realized that ive never had taht kind of love that every girl deserves the kind where you eon air, head over heals, swept away, completely satisfied, youd give the world and everything in it for this one person. when you think of them when you see their smile, when you feel their embrace, no matter what, when you see them across the room and they catch your attention out fo the corner of their eye, when you get butterfiles in your stomach that last longer than just the honeymoon phase, when your heart smiles when you think of the,,. when people say that youre glowing, because youre "in love"....i havent had that relationship yet. the one that makes you unabelievably happy but i know that whenever it comes along, it will be well worth it. moreso than to those girls that feel that for every guy they ever date. sure ive been happy. sure ive had butterflies. sure. but i havent been totally swept away, totally head over heals, happily and blissfully in love and been able to say that i love that person without hesitation, without doubting that feeling.  ive always had a hard time uttering those words except in context of friends, never once have i said those three words first, and not saying im rushing to do so. i think that all comes with time, you never know what a relationship will develop into unless you invest time, i dont want all of that to come in thhe honeymoon stage of a relationship. but eventually would be nice. i want it to be something special. something that i can tell by his actions and his gestures, by the tone of his voice and the way that he smiles, not by hearing words. because we all know anyone can say it, but theres so much more to it than just SAYING it. id prefer to feel it, to know it and keep the saying it to yourself. id be totally happy without hearing someone say they love me twenty times a day for it to not be a requirementwhen youre leaving a room or ending a conversation. 

i should really go to bed. its fuckin two in the morning now. 

kevin didnt call. i think ill go cry myself to sleep over him. total sarcasim, but i do miss him, but i wont cry myeslf to sleep. unless he got hurt or something and i could be there 

oh dear why did  i have to say that 
now ill be worried until i talk to him lol

ok well im off to bed

oh and one last thing

lance bass is sooo hot
so gay
and so hott
have you seen those eyes
they are absolutely gorgeous
i could seriously stare at them for hours
if you ever meet him...
please fuck him for me
and let me know if it was good or not
what he liked
what was said
did he talk dirty
i dont think he would . i think he wouldbe the quite type
i love you for being my gay friend
so i can say things like that to you and you not think im weird
i love you for so many more reasons too
i have to pee.....lets run!!!!!!!!!!
that was such a classic
that night we were bonded for life
aww omg
our anniversary is coming up soon
can you believe it
six years
ONLY six years
dexy it seems like so much longer
well i guess it was
since you dated a girl
i love you

ok and ill end with that
really good night darlings

i love all of you. dearly
head over heals
ill have your babies
kind of love
no not jureally
just as good friends

someone serioulsy take my laptop away from me
and redbull
i contribute the three i drank today to this really retarded post

and pardon me for all my typos 
i dont care enough to ficx them today.
Ocalashorty: i'm not hungry, but i am
Ocalashorty: i'm craving cheese-its
nikker823: awww
nikker823: im craving starbucks
nikker823: and shoes
Ocalashorty: you can't crave shoes
Ocalashorty: you just want them
nikker823: no i crave them
nikker823: i desperately want them
nikker823: and then when i have a pair in my hands and then gracefully slip them on my feet
nikker823: i feel at ease and its heavenly
nikker823: just the same as if you were to desperatly be craving a cheeseburger and you finally get the perfect one, you hold it in front of you and imagine how good its going to taste
nikker823: and you take that bite and its just like its the best thing in the whole world
nikker823: that is a craving
nikker823: and im craving shoes
Ocalashorty: freak

i don't know what this is.
can't tell you that i love you
i don't want to lie, don't want you to hurt
i don't want to jinx this, because i feel so alive.
your gentle soul moves me in ways of words i cannot even speak
I can't say i love you, its not that far developed
does time show restriction on love that's forbidden
your burning heart, your fragile eyes
willingly remove my outward disguise.
your thoughts, my dreams, they're much alike
staring up at the stars tonight
-if i tell you i like you, it's an understatement-
these feelings for you, i can't escape nor fake them
graceful, perceptive
i know your objective
no you're not like all the rest
...all the rest
bearing these words from my chest
I n f a t u a t i o n doesn't begin to explain
what fLowS through my veins when you kiss my neck and just

Your innocent eyes
touch my guilty heart
used and so undeserving
I can't shake this feeling

the only love i comprehend is
_shattered hearts and broken lies_
UnstAbLe thOugHts
and his LYING eyes
abusive controlling 

don't worry he loves you
brought together by time
torn apart by truth
definition of love,
he's my living proof
but your sweet words
do not feel like sharpened knives in my spine
this emerging smile can't be mine
this sort of happiness left years ago
love knows no touch such as that embracing kiss you gave
it knows a lost wandering soul unable to be saved
No you're too good for love
I swear this can't be real....
I can't even begin to explain 

quick update while i have the time

actually i probably dont have the time, but im taking the time regardless lol

so....first of all....nanny is in the ER right now, its a precautionary situation but im still just a little fidgety about it. but not much by the standards that my family set me up for. but i think thats also in due with the fact that im more of an optomist and that im not going to focus bad energy forward towards my grandmother and her health. all good vibes from me and i think that the universe will side with me on this one. with as much love and care as i can provide, and im a very loving and caring person i think it will result in an abundance of love and good energy sent towards her and im beginning to feel like she can sense that as well which is lifting her spirits providing yet some more good energy


ill go for the full update on whats going on later, when i can sit down and type a novel out for the record.

but as i was sitting in the er it occured to me that i was contemplating going and working at a nursing home facility or at hospice with shannons mom when and if i ever moved back to ocala and get the swing of things, since im basically providing fundamental care for my grandmother as it is.....and sitting in ER just drove the notion further....maybe ill look into being a tech at a hospital to decide if i could be an RN or anything of the sort....maybe depending on where the world takes me, ill become a doctor, or a specialist in myelofibrosis since i have been reading up and doing the research on my grandma's disease and what i could do to better comfort her...and myself to what is yet to come, and what shes already been through.

just a thought. 

anything to help people

but im so indecisive about things....but hell, im young if i try something and i dont like it, i can try something else...id much rather that be the eb and flow of my live and the blood runing through my veins rather than doign only one thing i hate, or never giving something a shot and realizing that its what i love. 

i learn best by trial and error anyways.
let me fall. but ill always stand back up, tall and proud as ever
<does it count if im only 5'2 and not tall at all> haha

anyhow. gotta go call some doctors and catch them up with how my grandma is holding up

ill post later


 I've been difficult to reach on more than one level as of late.
I know this. Im sorry. and to those ive shut out, im especially sorry. 
I promise I still love you.

Sometimes i can barely breathe
for no aparent reason 
other than i thought some bad thoughts

things hit me all at once sometimes,and for me the best way for me to deal with the baggage is to sort it out by myself. I cannot just be upset. I need to sit and think why im upset. 

I cant do this 'band-aid for a bullet wound bullshit'

my nerves fall apart
my fingernails stay short
i keep telling myself "you gotta get over yourself"

If i seem quiet during conversation, if you feel like youre talking to yourself when im sitting right across from you. if youve missed me at social events. if i appear to look right through you.....
its not intentional. some bad habits are better than others.

im trying to give my life some kind of homeostasis. understand it or dont. I just figured you should know.

ive said my goodbyes to a lot of people over the past three years

but i miss less than half of them
soe of them...just their memory is missed. not their presence
some of them where virtually useless aspects in my life
some were seemingly vital....and their loss nearly killed me along with their severed tie
some of the probably dont miss me
some of them probably wonder what happened to us

but all of them had their place

for some it was to remind me that my life is growing while theirs is at a stalemate. 
for others it was growing in different directions.
for other it was me growig up and them growing....i dont fucking know....growing somewhere

but here i am.
ive burned a lot of bridges and forgotten a lot of shortcuts
ive forgiven a lot of people but i remembered where i burried the hachet
i dont forget
i dont give trust the second time around
my walls soetimes require fingerprint indetification, retna scans and a secret handshake to penetrate

im safeguarded, refuged, and protected
if youre an outcast, you made yourself that way

no one can fucking touch me without my consent

if youve been exhiled, youre not coming back
ive signed your papers for departure in your own fucking blood.
there are no more chances

go stroice an diabhal thu

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